So lately I have been thinking and thinking and thinking. Thinking about the future and what it holds for us Garzas, thinking so much that I cant stop thinking. I am having dreams about it, its too much. In the midst of all of this thinking there’s one teeny tiny thought that is constantly lurking in the back of my mind, where is my “family”?
I don’t mean specifically the people who are blood related to me. I mean the people who are around me, the people I see on a weekly basis. The people who have watched my kids grow up, who have been with me from day one. The harder and harder life gets the harder and harder it is to be the light of the world. In church today the pastor went on and on about how if a “friend” has hurt you it is your job as a christian to continue to love and pray for them. But that is easier said than done.
I have so much hurt and pain bottled up inside from the past. I know everyone does. Its a special kind of hurt, a special kind of pain. Its a hurt and a pain that can only come from someone you once loved and trusted. How do you block out those nasty thoughts about someone? How do you let go of all the anger? I don’t think you do, I don’t think it is possible for any human to just forget that kind of hurt and pain. I think the only thing you can really do is pray. Pray for them. Tell the lord what they have done to you, tell the lord how bad it hurt, tell the lord that you are angry and you have hate towards them, but most of all tell the lord that you don’t want that. You don’t want that ugliness in your heart. Ask the lord what to do, ask him to help you, ask him for peace.
Our pastor also made it a point that no matter how much you continue to pray for and love someone they may never come around, and that’s ok. This stopped me in my tracks. I don’t want to hear that. I want you to tell me that everything’s going to be ok and that that person will come and apologize to me and we will live happily ever after. But that’s not reality. God doesn’t make our lives perfect, God doesn’t make people apologize to me, that’s not God’s job.
The theme of Andy’s birthday was “Anchor yourself to Jesus”. I had a quote I had stolen off of Google written on the fridge. It read “A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor”. This quote is burned into my brain lately. As the Garzas continue to plan for our future and what all that entails I cant help but to be thankful. I am thankful that we do not live in a giant house, that we don’t have money just laying around, I am thankful that we have to work for what we have.
To answer the question “where is my family”. There gone. My “family” is out taking care of their problems or dealing with their own hurt. It was selfish of me to get upset at my “family”, it was selfish of me to expect my “family” to be perfect. I am sorry. I try to love everyone and be there for everyone just as Jesus would do. I try to be the light of the world and shine as bright as I can. Sometimes my light isn’t always as bright as it should be, and that’s ok.
To all of the people that have screwed me over, to all of the people who have hurt me, lied to me, stole from me, or just plain aren’t there. Its ok. I cant just let go of all of the pain I have from you, I just cant. What I can do is pray for you, and I am. I hope that this blog reaches everyone who’s ever hurt me, I pray that you read it and it gets super deep down in your heart and I pray it helps you.
I also pray that everyone that I have ever hurt reads this too. I pray that you come to me and you tell me about what I did and I pray that we can talk about it and work it out.
As I go through this rough time you may see me cry, I cry about everything, you may see me fail, failure is essential to success, you may see me lose sight of the bigger picture, my human eyes are only so big, but you will never ever see me give up. I refuse to settle. I know my own self worth and I know I deserve greatness. Everyday I will wake up and I work harder and longer than I did the day before, everyday I will wake up and take more chances than I did the day before, everyday I will wake up and I will pray and I will beg the lord to pick me up and keep me going.
I encourage everyone to chase your dreams. As a wise Shia Labeouf once said “Don’t let your dreams be dreams”. Shia Labeouf has also said alot of other questionable things so were not going to go there. I guess what Im getting at is that its ok for your family to not always be there. Its ok to feel lonely, its ok to have hurt and ugly feelings. Its is not ok to let that hurt and anger turn into hatred and ugliness, its is not ok to be the one causing hurt or ugliness, and it is definitely not ok to let that stand in your way of greatness. You are worth it, you have all of the tools to make your dreams come true. Now go out and do it.
HippyLife 